Sunday, August 3, 2014


This feeling is grief.  i have been in some kind of mourning since May 2000, when my mom was diagnosed with cancer.  I did not really understand much of what was happening then, but my whole life was turned upside down and we spent 6 years living appointment to appointment, in and out of the hospital, surgeries, losing hair, seeing my mom in so much pain, etc.  Those were happy and sad years and we did the best we could.  After my mom died, I feel like I just stood in perpetual grief.  For the first few months, I know I was completely numb.  I couldn't sleep, or I slept all day, and I could not concentrate on anything.  I started to come out of that when I met Alex, but the pain was not really dealt with- how can it be? Grief is ongoing.  When I had Landon, I felt alive again.  The first year was magical, amazing, just what I thought parenthood would be.  I was pregnant with Logan before i was really worried, and now for the past two years, I teter on the edge almost everyday.  I always feel on the brink of tears, my mind does not turn off, and I am working so, so hard on everything, now times 2.  Laura is at the apraxia bootcamp and she said they discussed grief and the pain this diagnosis involves with a family and some SLPs were not aware.  It is so hard.  I wake up and pray for my kids, I go to bed and pray, and much like other parents, I just want the best for them, but this time period is not easy at all.  It is not carefree, and I am often just sitting on the edge, praying to keep it together for another day. repeat again, repeat, throw in work, trying to maintain a marriage, sleep, clean... it's impossible.  You do the best you can.  I do it all for my kids, and I want no regrets.  Grief is powerful.  I know the other side, because I saw it for a brief period in the last 14 years, and I will get there again...

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