Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Loving them completely

There is a sense of urgency all the time.  How much longer until Kindergarten?  How much more time until?  Each 23rd of the month, I get sad.  Another month, not speaking.  What did we learn this month?  What do we still have to accomplish?  It feels like Kindergarten is the goal.  I have gone from, hoping they will both be caught up by K, to realizing I am praying for inclusion now.  Weird.  I would never even let Landon out of an inclusion room ever. He is too smart, but it's odd how things change.  I am terrified, completely terrified, that they will be the same.  That when Landon turns 5, he will be the same.  He can't be, right?  He has to make more progress.  It's so scary.  Am I doing enough?  What else can I do?  Where are all the right answers?  What is even the question?  There is no rule book, no guide book, or anything.  In each moment, I take a deep breath, and remember, all I have is love to give them both, and I do love them more than I could ever, ever express to you.  I would literally offer my voice to either of them, and learn ASL for the rest of my life.  I have no issue with that.  I would DO anything for no struggles.  I pick them up from school, or out of their rooms in the morning, and get kisses immediately.  I get running hugs when I pick them up.  I FEEL love.  I don't need them to say it.  I know it.  I know it all.  Motherhood is a tough journey.  We enter it with no idea what it will be like.  I totally get how hard it was for my mom to leave us, how hard it was for her to be sick around us. My kids are my lifeline, my heart walking around outside my own body, my everything.  It is very hard to not know what to do.  I am a problem solver, a type A person, and I work hard to do whatever I think I can do, but then I don't know.  I don't have all the answers, SLP or not, and for me, that's hard, so I choose love. I choose it in every instance.  I can always choose love.

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