Wednesday, March 18, 2015

The post no one wants to write

Here is the honest truth.

I thought being a mom would fill every little crevice in me that was empty, would make me so happy, or fulfill all these dreams.

Truth:  It's not like that.

It may be for other moms, but it is not for me.  I really enjoy being with Logi right now.  His delays are not too noticeable; he does not hit me, he is happy.  He is less work.  Landon, right now, is so much work.  It's constant trying to keep him out of trouble, not banging the cabinet, or taking his puzzle to the hardwoods to throw it, and we expect so much from him.  We don't let him come home and just do nothing. We work him.  Weather getting better will help this substantially.

Alex and I had an argument yesterday, where he said he thought we would have kids more like our nephew, Nicky.  Honestly so did I.  I remember the first 9-10 months of Landon's life and even up till about 15 months or so, it was bliss.  oh my goodness, could I ever love a little person more, and I could not have.

Then the worries set, the work picked up, the paperwork ensued, the constant emails and checking up, checking goals, reading reports, staying on top of everyone all the time, now x2. and I realized,


It's not the happiness I thought.  I am hopeful it will be that way again.

I love those boys, thank God they are mine and not another parent who would not do all the stuff I do, but this stuff is no joke.

Tonight Landon couldn't say something and I had no idea.  I looked at him, and said "one day you will talk buddy."  He burst into huge tears, leaking out onto his cheeks, and I thought this is so so so unfair. I am lucky to have kids. I know that, but this is not fair.  It's not even a right disorder.  Who doesn't let a kid talk who wants to?

So, am I fulfilled?  No way.   Do I have purpose?  100%

Is it all laughs and easiness?  Not even close.

Why Do I keep going....

these guys...

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