Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Looking back and forward

I am not always an organized blogger.  I sit at school, or home, and write blogs in my head all the time.  It's weird sometimes.  Then I go sit and am not sure what to write.

I have been thinking how much less phased I am the second time around, although heartbroken, yes I am.  With Landon, I started googling like crazy around 16 months, and kept researching the so-called 18 month language explosion.  soon I was putting in "22 month language explosion" "not speaking at 2" "late talker." anything to get more information.  Landon talked a lot when he was little, so much so that my sister made me a mother's day gift and Landon was maybe 8 months old, and she put "Thank you, Mommy, for helping me get ahead with my speech."  I can't look at that book anymore, and if Landon takes it out, we skip that page.  I just can't.  Landon babbled at 4 months, but once it came time to actually talk, words never stuck.  They still don't.  He said dog I remember a bunch of time in a few weeks, then we went to the pet store, and I went to record him with the dogs, thinking he would say Dog like before, and in the video, he is silent.  I remember thinking, what is going on.  At 15 months, I like an idiot, put on fb, how proud I was of his speech.  He stood up in the bath tub and pronounced "Done" loud and clear, but not again for awhile.  Those were all signs that things were not sticking.  He could do the motions to the song one time, but not the next.  I had no idea why, but after 17 months, I started searching "apraxia" in with everything else.  I had him evaluated by Syracuse University, and they said since he was not "groping," no one could say apraxia.  Of course they couldn't.  he was 21 months at the time.  The only word he spoke in the eval was "no."  When he was evaluated the next month by Early Intervention, the only word he spoke was "yea."  Notice a trend??  It is still like that.  I don't get excited as much like I should.  Yesterday he said move, bag 2x (clear as day), two, and and about 7 other words.  I need to be screaming about it, but I think I am just thinking well it does not stick anyways.  One day it will, and he will know and say so much.  I am glad for one sound or word, but this has been a long process.

With Logan, I have never researched any language explosion.   I stopped looking at milestone checklists well before a year.   I don't look or am friends with anyone who has a kid around my kid, or they are hidden.  It's different.  Logi does not talk as much.  This week, he has said yum, mama, and /m/ for more. 

I need to work on celebrating each moment. I do.

I signed up for cognitive behavioral therapy that actually starts Sunday.  It is goal focused, which will help.

I have a bunch of goals.

Be more authentic
Try to find a way to communicate with my husband
Feel more comfortable sharing my kids' joys and struggle with others
Forgive myself for this, in whatever way I can
Cut myself a break too, but build strength because this journey is long and hard.

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