Friday, April 10, 2015

The I love them so much post

Becoming a mom is amazing.  It's amazing to actually feel your heart walking around outside your body.  That's what I always tell people.  You ache and are proud and have so much joy and sadness from a person who is not you, who does things you cannot control, but yet, it feels like it is you.  When my kids can't speak, I feel like it is me, the pain they feel, I feel.  That's why I don't sleep as much and worry constantly; it's love.  I love these two boys more than anything.  I would do ANYTHING for them.  Every mother says that, but I really do mean it.  I would do anything for them.  When I lost my mom, I just searched for a love to fill that void.  I have been thinking a lot about that this week as I am home with my boys, even my husband, all week.  We are very blessed.  We have a nice home, so many toys, cars that are reliable, we have access to many activities, and we have good family support.  I had a lot of fun with my boys.  Logan is turning into a big cuddler.  He has always been more independent, but he has been wanting to cuddle and rock for 20 minutes or so when he first wakes up.  I love that. Landon has been doing that forever and still is in my arms often, but Logi is such a sweet cuddler and I am loving this.  I love their unique personalities, their laughs, the fun they bring.  I look at Landon and I have spent so much time looking at him this week, and man, is he smart.  He is such a smart boy.  He is going to do amazing things in his life, and no one will be prouder than me, no one. I will be looking on with tears in my eyes each step of the way.  I can see it, I can almost touch it.  The first time he is able to speak a phrase, a sentence, speak to a peer, speak in front of a class, read on the announcements, etc.  I will be there, and I will know what it took to get him there.  That is something no one can ever take away from me.  And then there is Logan, he is such a social guy.  He wants to do whatever Landon does.  He won't do any easy puzzles, only the ones Landon touches.  He eats whatever Landon eats.  He is like his little shadow.  He does it with other kids too.  He is a little lover.  He is very silly.  He is going to be a popular kid.  Logan will always have a lot of friends and admirers.  I will remember him as this crazy, happy, silly, perfect baby, that I am so glad I became unexpectedly pregnant with, because he has helped Landon, and Landon has helped him, and together they are unstoppable.  The love a mother feels cannot be explained.  I think of my mom leaving us at ages 23, 21, and 19, and I know that wasn't enough time to her.  What is enough time?  My sister and I discussed this this week, and I said and I meant more than this, but I really want to live to see my kids speak, and I do, I really, really do.  My sister said she would like to live until the kids turn 30 at least. My mom wanted to see us graduate high school; she did.  There is never enough time.  We are promised only this day.  I know this week, I have made the most of them.

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