Saturday, November 8, 2014

What will it feel like?

How will it feel when Landon is able to communicate whatever he wants?  How will I look back on this time?  How will I feel if I am lucky to live into old age and people ask about my kids?  Will this be what I remember?

I think about that a lot.

Life isn't easy.  My mom died when I was 23.  I was 17 when she was diagnosed with cancer.  Every decision since that time is definitely impacted by my experience with watching my favorite person ever die.  Everything.  There is not a day I don't think about her, my loss, what I am missing.

That used to be all I thought about, for years and years.

Now it is stupid apraxia, sensory issues, not meeting milestones, falling behind, worried they won't be caught up by K. It's all I think about somedays.  It's weird how life shifts.

I hope in the future I can think wow I am so proud and when I hear their little voices, I have no doubt i will tear up time to time.  I know that.

Last summer, Landon could not jump.  He used to do a little two step almost when he tried.  This year, he jumps very well and can even jump forward now.  he loves to jump.  I don't remember exactly everything that went into teaching him how to jump, I used to tell him "Down" and then he would bend his knees and together we would try to say "up" and bounce up.  We worked on it a lot I know, but I can't remember exactly when he first jumped.  I remember looking at Alex, saying "he jumped."  We were at a park with a friend who has a boy the same age as Lan last summer and the other boy jumped and jumped very well and Landon tried to copy him and did his two step over and over.  The dad of that little boy laughed and asked me what is that? I explained he is trying to jump.  I think this will be how it will be when he talks well.  I won't remember all the details, but that feeling, that ugh, someone notices, someone sees he can't do something, worrying constantly, I don't think that will ever leave me, that memory that is.  I will always remember the feeling of that dad watching Landon try to jump.  I won't remember when he learned, but that feeling of someone thinking he is different, blah, I don't think that will ever leave.

Lesson to others:  keep your mouth shut if you can't think of a nice way to say something.  some people hold onto words and feelings longer than you.

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