Monday, July 27, 2015


I am a person who needs appreciation, who thrives on it, be it seeing something, noticing, saying or doing something that says, "hey, i see what you do and who you are."  I have been in counseling since March.  I feel like a lot of my own grief is due to the fact that I am not raising typical little boys, and this is not a typical way to start out being a mom.  One day i hope they know I would never change them for anything, and I am so proud of who they are, no matter.  One day, I do think they will be able to say "thank you mom" for everything I have given up and done for them.  I don't need them to notice though.  I will never stop doing everything for my boys, and i remember it's not their fault that they are here, struggling; they did not ask to be born, and i am doing my best to protect them from pain and to feel some success.  I think that is true of any parent.  I pray that one day they are happy they are on this earth, and i don't want them to feel like it was always so much pain.  I remember my mom wrote that in her journal to me, saying I didn't want your childhood to be painful like mine.  I remember no pain in my childhood and it was perfect to me, even where maybe as parents, my parents thought it needed or lacked something.  Not to me.  My boys are loved and I know they know that.  Landon waking up and smiling a huge smile because I am waiting at his gate and throwing himself on me is all I need.  Logi smiling that cheesy grin, running at me, and patting my back, is my everything.  My boys are my every breath.  I am so heartbroken that they can't speak.  It's hard to put into words.  It kills me.  But what choice is there?  the only choice is to sacrifice to get them help and pray.  and to never, ever give up.  And I do that, knowing and believing that God has a plan, and has this all figured out for me.  I believe that somewhere.  Right now, I am not angry at God.  I do get frustrated at Him for giving this to me.  I am not a person who wants to be in this.  I would have like a 10 year reprieve from pain, but i am strong, because my mom made sure I was that way, and I can do it.  I really can do.

The lack of emotional support and appreciation from my husband is what really hurts. There is so little, and I don't think he gets it.  I have talked about it with him so many times.  I don't think it is that he does not want to get it; I just think he honestly cannot and just isn't invested enough to get help to figure out how he can.  He brushes things off without any thoughts.  He will say things and it does not occur to him, that they hurt, and he just continues on.  It's so hard for me to understand.  It is draining.  I am in a hard place right now with this.  I am in individual counseling, so that is good for me, and I can figure out a plan if I need to.

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