Sunday, January 11, 2015

You have nothing to feel guilty about

That's what my card @ the psychic said on Saturday night.  I went with a group of 6, including my sister.  We had to choose a card at the beginning of the message circle, which would be a message from the other side.  That's all my card said.  That was definitely ironic, and I do feel guilty sometimes, and sometimes not.  Like I have written before, NT parents are not walking around, regretting something silly they did in pregnancy, so why would I?  I did the best I could each day and continue, given my research on everything, and the way I would never want to hurt my kids in any way.  Other things the psychic said were that I have a friend out west! Laura! and that I am planning a trip.  She said it was long overdue and that things won't be done exactly how I want at home, but to let it go.  She also said I try to accomplish something and work hard, and then when I finish it, I have to move on quickly to something else.  I thought maybe she meant my kids.  That is definitely the journey of moms like us.  It feels more like a check off the list and a sigh of relief, then quickly let's move on to the next skill.  Now, we are so far behind that it's not one simple skill, like self feeding, or pulling to stand, like it used to be. Now, it is the hardest skill of all: speech.

Lately I waver.  I know that my God is not judging my kids, nor does he necessarily care which care they start to talk.  He is all loving, and I try to remember that, and I do try to remember that kids should be kids, and not held to some standards THEN the other more logical, educator side, knows how much is asked of kids in primary grades these days, and feels so much pressure to try to get close to that. Just try.  Another weird thing that gets me through the day, is say you have a 20 year, and he is 2 years behind on speech, well, there would be no difference right? an 18 and a 20 year old's speech would be the same.  This is the tough part. even a 2 and a 4 year old have huge differences in speech, play, self help, and that is where I feel stuck.  They start to look behind.  Even my insanely advanced, sweet nephew notices, I think, in his own way.  He asked Landon for a high five the other day; Landon gave him one, and he proclaimed "He did it!"  Maybe he sees there are things Landon can't do, or maybe he just loves his cousin so much, he was happy to get a high five.  I don't know.  It's a hard balance.

Keep the prayers up for my babies is what I mostly do.

XO all

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