Wednesday, March 19, 2014

My Daily prayer

Every night before I go to bed, I plead God to have Landon be talking soon.  I have repeated this prayer for at least the last year, and it's so hard sometimes in the morning when I get him out of his crib, and he can't say hi yet or much of anything.  Typically, I do hear a mama or mom as i get him up, and I always smile inside, saying to him, you're right baby, I am your momma.  It's a hard journey, days are long, and hard.  I try to remember that this is a CHILDHOOD disorder, that at least the speech part should be caught up by age 8.  I worry about the other areas he will struggle in because of this, but i can't really predict that.  Many kids struggle in something;  I just already know what our struggle will look like for the next few years.  Then I pray for Logan.  He is 11 months now and not babbling, not picking up food yet.  I don't want him to have CAS of course, but there is a small part of me that thinks if they both have it, then it's definitely not my fault at all.  Ugh.  Logan is able to wave now and clap of course, which Landon could do and all around, they are very similar, but Landon was babbling a lot by now, just never varied syllables or even consonants.  I will probably refer Logan for speech by 12 months.  He has said Mama before now, and now he is crawling, pulling himself up, and trying to walk.  He seems less stubborn than Landon.  I just keep praying.  Without a prayer,  i would succumb to this darkness i feel.  Luckily, Landon is good about letting us know what he needs and wants; I just want to know the other things- what does he feel? What does he think? what goes on in his mind?  Time will tell. Lord help us all.

1 comment:

  1. Just stopping by to remind you that you are strong, you are his advocate and his voice. My prayer is the same at night. I also pray for your continued strength and dedicated for my little nephew. I can't imagine, as Nicholas is "typical?" I don't know how you ALWAYS know what he wants. You somehow know that one finger means "one little monkey" a shy smile means the computer, etc. YOU are the reason he does so much. I read many children with apraxia do not use a fork until age 4, do not jump, etc. The reason Landon is okay is because of YOU. You did NOTHING to cause apraxia, that is crazy talk. Although easy to default to blaming yourself, completely unreasonable. I don't know what Landon's future looks like except that he will be loved, SO loved, by us all. For some reason God gave you this path, maybe because you out of anyone can advocate, organize and teach. Remember, God is rarely early but never late. His words with come and for now be comforted in love from us all and know that Landon's first thought of the morning is "there's my MOM! I am so LUCKY to have HER." His last thought is "where is my aunt Loo Loo? and I love my Mom." xoxox. You and him (and Logi) will prevail with God's guidance. Remember what mom said, "when you are lost, pray for guidance."