Saturday, June 6, 2015

Sitting between hope and despair

On two separate days recently,  I actually thought I should just give up.  It was kind of scary.  I thought maybe this is it- I will  have two little nonverbal boys forever and this is my life.  The truth is, I actually look for nonverbal adults everywhere I go.  I have yet to find one that was not physically or severely disabled in some way.  Am i looking in the wrong places?  Not sure.  I still don't see many kids who do not speak.  I still don't get that part.  Anyways, I was not meaning give up, like stop therapy, but just not do all the extras.  However, I can't do it.  This week I really drilled the "open" sign with Landon, to use on his own, and guess what, he can do it.  It looks really cute because he is dramatic and his motor planning is off, but he learned it.  It is so much easier to prompt by sign than it is for him to verbally produce speech.  "ON" is back, but it came back as "om."  I hear yea and mama and yum and his usuals, but nothing really new that is sticking.  He is still trying.  I look at him as strength.  I can't give up.

Logan is babbling more, starting to vary the sounds.  He gets his point across too.  He knows where everything is and he figures how to get stuff himself.  I have so much work to do with him this summer, but I am hopeful.

So most days I sit between almost throwing up thinking Landon will be 4 and may not really be speaking, or that I actually have two boys with apraxia.  I look at kids doing activities, like today I saw a little soccer league, and I pray with every ounce of my being for my boys to be able to participate in something like that.  I see kids joining activities and I just hope my boys can feel confident enough and with a sensitive enough coach to do that one day.  Right now, I would never let them do it.  But I have to hope.  I have to.  Life is too short to wallow in despair; we have to choose hope.  and prayer.  and have faith that God has this all figured out.

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