I still struggle with guilt, that I did something to cause this, that I did not protect my kids. I don't think looking back I ever did anything wrong, but I don't know. It's not fair. I am proud of myself. I see myself as rising above, as working very, very hard. I don't think most mothers could do this as well as me. I am being honest. In our own bubble, we are so happy here. We are thrilled when Landon signs open. We are so happy when Logi babbles. I can't even explain. It is just pride. Then we have to go out and we see that our kids are not like the other kids. And that part hurts a lot. It's easier to be inside, but not fair or right.
When will Landon start talking? I don't know.
When will Logan talk? I don't know
When will Landon be able to try something new without feeling so nervous? I don't know.
When will Logan be able to use a spoon or not throw his food? I don't know.
When will Landon be able to draw something and tell me what it is? I don't know
When will Logan drink from a straw cup? I don't know.
So many I don't knows. So many this is so not fair.
Yet we have to keep going and we will.
We have to have faith.