A new dx

I will start with life is surely not fair.  It has never been fair, nor will it ever be fair.  It seems to be fairer for other people, but I do know everyone takes a turn with this.  My turn is now.  No one has children who are perfect, all kids have challenges somewhere, and at least I know my kids' needs early on.

Logan Gabriel was diagnosed yesterday with a mild hearing loss in both ears across all frequencies.  As news rang out, I received texts that said things like "seriously?" "I am sorry" "and my heart sinks for you."  Everyone shares our pain which is a nice feeling.  Logan passed his hearing test the 2nd time at birth.  Landon had failed his three times before he had an ABR so I wasn't worried when they said Logi had passed.  As Logi was developed, he did not babble until 16 months, but again, concerns were said about motor planning, so I saw that as pure up apraxia.  He is still not talking, but he does babble.  He does try to imitate.  He is a very observant, social, and curious little boy.  Now knowing he has hearing loss, I see him strides and his accomplishments as amazing, another testament to how smart he is.  He is a problem solver.  

So last September, Logan was referred for a hearing test.  I had no concerns with hearing, so I said I would see how he developed with the addition of more services and daycare.  In December, I called and said I will take the hearing test. I signed consent I think a few days before Christmas and his first hearing test was on 2/19.  He failed that in the booth and responded only at 50db; however, I was assured that most kids 21 months would fail in a booth because their attention isn't always there. I asked the classroom teachers at his daycare and they said he hears like the other kids as far as responding.  Ok, so I will do this process but I was not worried.  His receptive language is not great, but I was thinking more motor planning or auditory processing, and the fact that his therapy is push in, and I can work on it more this summer So off we go, to two appointments with this hearing doctor before we had the ABR.  Alex had to take him and he could not eat.  He was miserable when he arrived at the hospital.  He got to ride off in a little push car and was honking the horn and was happy.  Alex did not go with him back there, but had got him changed into a little hospital gown and little hospital socks.  I arrived there about 11:15.  We got called into a tiny room at 12:30.  I knew it wasn't good.  The audiologist started talking as if I am not an SLP, so I said that I was, and I wanted to know the loss, what he can hear, what sounds he would not hear, etc.  The loss is 25-35db across all frequencies.  He would not hear a whisper at all.  Conversationally speech he does hear, but it is not clear.  He needs bilateral hearing aids.  So off we go getting this.  He can get more services.

How do I feel?

Mostly I know all of this is out of my control.  I did everything and made good choices for my boys, and sometimes, life isn't what it should be.  We have to grieve the little kids we wanted and thought we deserved to have.  Instead, we marvel at their accomplishments and we love them so much it hurts, and I know it hurts, because I couldn't sleep last night and woke up about to vomit this morning.  It hurts so bad because it feels like it is us. In the grand scheme of it, I would take hearing loss over apraxia anyday. I will get him what he needs and see if it helps.  I will continue to be proactive.  I am sad for my Logi.  He is such a cool little kid.  I can already see the fight where he doesn't want to wear his hearing aids and I hear him talking and it is beautiful.  The life I see ahead is beautiful and I pray to God he gives us a chance soon.