I can't imagine

These three words, I  hear very often.  I have been hearing them since my mom got sick.  I can't imagine what it's like to see your mom so sick.  I can't imagine my mom losing her hair, or being in the hospital.  I even remember someone saying I could never live without my mom.  I looked at that person and thought, so what would you do then?  I know these things are not said seriously all the time, but i think people ought to try to imagine the other side, and then speak from that angle.  I am sure most people could close their eyes and picture their lives without their mothers in them.  I am sure nobody wants to think that, but you CAN imagine it; you don't have anyone to dress shop for your wedding with, you don't get to see your mom be a grandma, and really, you don't get that support system.  It's possible to imagine this.  Now, with apraxia, I hear it all the time.  I couldn't imagine what you are going through.  I can't imagine scheduling all the therapy.  I can't imagine being on your game to pay attention to your son's cues all the time, etc, etc.  You can imagine it, yes you can, you just don't want to.

The boys

I keep thinking maybe the boys will have an amazing bond, particularly if they struggle with the same things.  They will get it.  They are getting to be so cute together.  Logan is still so into Landon, laughing at him, watching him; he even stands next to the shape poster and looks back at me because he sees Landon do it.  He wants to be him. and Now Landon is kissing him all the time, giving him big hugs, giving him toys, asking him to play with him, etc.  It is so sweet to see.  I guess, no matter what, God has chosen these two boys, created them in His image, and chose me to me their mom, and I can't argue with His plan.  This is done by His will.  I thank Him for the gift of being a mom.

How do you rename a blog?

Well, Today, Logan had more testing for his upcoming 6 months thing.  He is getting an OT eval soon.  He is looking at speech 2x per week, OT 2x per week, not sure on PT.  There was talk of a teacher to work on play skills, but he is only 14 months.  Maybe I am missing something. Blah.  It was dejavu. Oh he can't show that he knows this or that because he can't motor plan the actions. He can't point yet. He can only isolate his thumb and then there is the guilt.  Why is this happening?  I can't spend as much time with him as I did with Landon, since there are two of them. He is starting to get frustrated that he can't do something.  It is frustrating.  Anyways, this blog should be landon and logan journey.  Sad :(

blood work

I am nervous now.  Landon is getting his blood drawn right now, and i hate that I had to send him for that.  Poor baby.  I told him he was going to the doctor's, but I am not sure what he understood.  He happily left with Dada, probably think there was a park involved.  We took him to a naturopath in Watertown a week ago.  We had to be there at 9am and left at 745.  Landon was so good in the car and we never travel a distance since we are so close to everything here.  He and I sang songs, practiced with his Touch chat, and we had some snacks.  He was a doll.  He got there and he hates doctors, but he went in all happy.  I brought toys and he played in the office while we talked to her.  She felt like maybe he would fall on the old PDD-NOS, but he doesn't typical ASD.  She felt he was very connected and engaged.  She was curious on the impact of vaccines, diet, toxins, etc, so she ordered a lot of bloodwork.  Soon we will know if he has the MTHFR mutation, or in deficient in a nutrition, what allergies he has, etc.  This will he helpful.  Since then, we are trying to cut out the processed foods. Very difficult, when in Syracuse, healthy eating is not the fad.  I will let you know the results, to my readers :)

I hope he was ok- lots of appointments lately and then today is beginning our summer therapy schedule. Boo!!

XO

It will be ok

This ride is a roller coaster. Sometimes bright spots can seem hard to find, but you gotta embrace them. Today is Landon's last day at daycare. He runs in everyday, happy as can be, likes to help take the chairs down since he's the first one there. He's ok for me to go. Last year, when he first started, I was home on maternity leave, and saw the kids walk by my house. Each kid holds part of a group rope and I was frantically looking for Landon. I couldn't find him. He was about half a house behind, sprawled out on the sidewalk. He wasn't used to walking up to an hour, holding this rope, and he couldn't tell anyone this was his house they were passing. Today Alex yelled that he was walking by. There he was, holding the rope with everyone else. He is such a good rule follower. I made an excuse to go find him and drove by as he was waiting to cross the street. I pulled out, put the window down, and yelled "hi Landon". He turned and beamed. He looked at his teacher, then waved to me with just one hand, I blew him a kiss, he blew one back. In that moment, I thought "everything will be ok."

Am I just in denial?

I don't know.  I see some signs of ASD, but I feel they can be explained due to lack of speech and then some sensory concerns.  am I just in denial? Is he just at the wrong place?  so much is so hard to understand because he can't communicate.  He got mad that the SLP did not bring the Kaufman cards today.  I guess she had some other cards, but not the ones they have been using.  He started crying and he hit her.  I am guessing if he could say it, he might say other cards, or where are they? and why she did not have them? i have no idea.  I still feel like his target words are so wishy washy.  Why are we introducing new words, if the others are not there yet?

Anyways, the SLP said Landon is now obsessed with the clock.  We have clocks here- haven't seen that.  She said he is liking to put an item on the table and then duck up and down to look at it. And she is hearing less words than a few weeks ago.  I sort of agree with that, but there are days he is very verbal.  I think that is part of the apraxia.

Signs:
Visual stims
Likes letters/numbers/shapes
Lack of expressive language
difficulty with pretend play, but emerging is there
Trouble initiating play with peers
Hates the doctor
Does not always follow directions, even though i know he understands them

Could all of that be explained by cas and spd?  and let's be honest.  It doesn't matter. he is who he is and I will still have the same treatment.


But anyways,  I am feeling like a change come September sounds good to me...

What am I missing?

I think I know I am missing out of something.  I read my friend, Kate's, blog at Finding Cooper's Voice, and her 16 month old is advanced, not just advanced for a child with another kiddo with some difficulty, but he is advanced all over the place.  I have two children who both have speech delays, low normal tone, and other issues.  I am missing out.  I realize I am not going to be able to understand what it was like to just have your child crawl without actually teaching them.  I am working with Logan on self feeding.  He picks up the food, but he doesn't have the shoulder stability to bring to his mouth.  If you leave food hanging out of his mouth, he will bring his hand up and push it in, so he has parts of that, but not yet all. That is a struggle.  He is taking steps now and that's awesome.  He is so motivated to walk.  He is not yet babbling, just uses some vowel sounds.

Landon is 33 months today.  In some ways, I am so proud of him, and I always tell myself, that this is not his fault anyways, but it's so hard to see sometimes, especially with other kids.  He is so far behind. It's scary, because I worry, if he doesn't make more progress over the summer, he will turn 3, being well over a year behind in all developmental areas.  I am scared out of my mind.  I go to counseling on Tuesdays and usually just repeat, "It's just not fair." and it's not.  I see other kids who just can see a ball and say ball, no problem.  They repeat things easily. It's not fair and I am doing this twice.  I am not going to be able to just see my kids do things without a lot of work.

I am thankful they are both happy and healthy. 

Just keep praying.