Don't want to lower the expectations, but I have to be more understanding

I have not lowered any expectations for either of my children's lives.  I see kids in much worse off situations do well enough to make it through school and have a career.  I expect the same for both of my boys.

Halloweens are some of my best memories growing up, but to be honest,  I have no memory of this at 1-3 obviously, and the first Halloween I even remember, maybe I was like 6-7.  Landon knew it was Halloween. We have been reading Halloween books the last couple weeks, and yesterday I asked him is it Christmas, said no; is it your birthday, said no, is it Halloween, he said yea. So I was happy.  His costume, I didn't put any thought into and didn't really show or go over with him, so that's my fault.  He didn't want to wear it, but he did.  It was a little small.  We went outside to go, and he wanted to play outside.  I said no, we have to trick or treat.  My sister brought up a good point that it makes no sense, put a weird outfit on, go knock on someone's door, and get candy, which yesterday was the first time Landon ate candy.  He screamed at the first house and so I said to my  husband, that I would just take him for a walk and see if he wanted to go.  Logan was also flipping out.  We walked a bit, then decided to try a couple houses.  Landon was definitely confused, but he rang the doorbell and waited.  I took the candy when they offered it, and we did 2 houses like that.  He wasn't into it.  I tried a couple more and he shook his head no as we walked towards the door, so I guess he got that part but didn't want to.  We went home and he helped me hand out some candy to probably 10 people, then i just let him go inside to play.

Happy Halloween.  I wish I knew what he was thinking.  Was he scared? did he not like the costume on him? Did he want to be back with Logan?

Hoping next year, he can talk more, and I wouldn't have to guess...

The day you know you are on a different path....

I work with many people who have young kids.  Somedays I can participate in conversations with them, but it's less so.  They are choosing daycares based on whatever: price, teachers, food, and I am thinking, ok is it out of the way for the therapists or what sensory activities are there? I am on a different path.  They talk about their kids talking back, or their child riding a bike, and I am still working on Landon saying hi and Logan motor planning how to wave.  I am on a different path.  I will never know what it's like for a child to "just pick up a skill."  I will never hear my children speak without a huge amount of therapy.  I am on a different path.

Somedays the reminders are more obvious than others.


May our path lead to a green meadow with lots of sunshine, life, and most importantly, self worth in what we have accomplished.

I keep forgetting...

That the speech is not going to be crystal clear as it comes in.  Landon has been talking more.  The words are not always clear.  There are no final consonants used and the prosody is off, making a lot of the words sound the same, even if the stress is supposed to be somewhere else. I think that makes sense.
Today he said "no" a few times and it's not a super loud sound and the /n/ is not as strong sounding in that makes sense.  He is doing more jargon, which I think is good, because he is trying to say something and he is working on getting it out.  It is a stage he had not been to before.

and then I read a study on using anti bacterial soap causing some neurological disorders and I feel like I can't win.  I definitely  used that stuff non stop with my kiddos when I was pregnant.  ugh. I work in a school.  Basically, the environment is being linked to a lot of this... I don't know.  It is a scary world in which to be a parent!


Night night

What goes up, must come down

This is the ride I am on, but it is sometimes affecting me less and less, because I know my kids, but anyways, both had rough days.

Landon's sheet actually circled "tough day" for behavior, said he cried throughout morning, refused to do yoga, did not eat, and they actually took his temp.  Poor guy.  I don't know what is up, but that is the journey.

Then, Logan had two sessions today.  Positives:  He drank from a straw independently for the first time! He is babbling using many sounds.  Negatives:  Today I was called and although I already knew, the words "global apraxia" were said to me.  I knew this.  I said it since about 8-9 months.  I knew this. It hurts of course.  Logan has a totally different personality than Landon, which they said hurts him.  Landon was frustrated(he is still) and he was driven.  He has a big personality.  Logan is so laid back.  He doesn't care.  The teacher said his progress is slow and he is not displaying all his skills because he spends the day climbing the slide.  I have to work with Logi more for sure.

Anyways, yes, two kids with global apraxia, genetics.  Maybe less my fault somehow.  Two kids in Early Intervention before one year old.  That's me.  Will I ever stop fighting for either of them?  Not while I am living.

Upward and onward...hoping tomorrow is better!!

Landon's first phrase!!!!!

At school today, landon said "roll the ball" when given three choices between movement activities, then he got up and ran right to what he had picked.

So, so happy and proud of him!!

Hopefully more and more people can see what I know is true, how smart he is, and how much he has in that brain of his!!

The day that God blessed me

God is great.  He is all powerful.  He chooses people for situations and tasks and He does know all.  I believe that.

I hear a lot "landon is so lucky to have you."  "He has the best mom he could ever have."  "That's why you are a speech pathologist."

People say those things without thinking and they do mean well.  If Landon was born on the west side where I work, he would not have moved along at all.  He would not be half the child he is at all.  I know that.  I am so glad that God entrusted him to me, and me to him.  He is truly like the half to my soul because I understand him so well.  But the people on the west side would not be worried, they would not feel sick all the time, and they would not be involved in every part of his care/treatment.  God has a reason for this.

I want to be unstuck.  That is what I want.  I feel like Landon and I are on a mouse trap or something and we can't move ahead.  Hell, even if we wanted to find our arms, or our legs, we can't because silly motor planning makes this too difficult.  We can't show all we know and most people don't take the time to find out from him.

Then I met a friend named Laura.  She gets it.  We do a lot of "me too" and "I know what you mean."

That is God saying.. i know you are hurting and alone, so here is a friend to get you through this.

That is how God works.  He has always saved me when I needed it and he will get me and Landon out of this, to a place where we can be all we are, and we can feel happy because others will notice and realize.  We will get there.

Songs of sorrow

When I started this blog, my friend, Laura, said songs of sorrow are ok too, that they are realistic and will be good to look back on.  The songs of sorrow continue.  It's horrible, I know.  I have two adorable, happy, and loving little boys, and yet my heart aches to hear words! Consistent words! that are recognizable to others beyond me.  I said to my brother today that i could give my left arm for that and he said to be patient, but I would.  I can't think of anything right now that I would not give for either, especially Landon, who has been working so hard, to learn to talk. I would give anything.  It's a desperate plea. It's the prayer I say all day long.  It's the ache in my heart.  I can't escape it.  It is an all day thing.  It's I hear someone speaking at the park, the restaurant, even at school, even when they are poor, or sit in front of the tv; they talk.  I immediately think not fair.  I see someone smoking when they are pregnant and as horrible as it is, my first though is, bet their kid will talk.  I see someone eating a hotdog or whatever, and think, they will speak.  It is just not fair.  I need to pick myself up, because already I don't want to do Christmas this year at all.  Hoping soon there is a miracle.  Please God, please, please, please, let my boys speak.  Whatever you want, I will do, whatever.

That's the prayer everyday.

:(


To God be all the Glory. Amen.