I remember before i became a mom, I knew I wanted kids. Why?? It is so much work. Do people become moms for selfish reasons, like it will feel so good that i am wanted, someone to take care of me, someone to spend time with. Do they do it to carry on traditions/memories? Does it unite them as a family? Do they truly enjoy kids? A whole lot of reasons. I know after you have one child, people think I need a second so they have buddies, or I have even heard it's been so amazing and fun and filled me up with the first, I just NEED to have it again, like a drug you need a hit on, that feeling of being loved. Maybe that's what it is.... crazy love. Whatever the reason, they grow and sometimes you don't keep that close relationship, no matter what, time changes everything. so it is an in the moment kind of thing. I try to remember that. my kids are the other half of me, no doubt. I would give anything for their happiness and I have said to Alex many times, I would deplete my bank account (already am for tx, daycare, etc, anyways) for them to speak. I would give up my wedding rings EASILY and not wear another one, for Landon to talk. ANYTHING. That's what moms do. But it's not my life truly, it is theirs. We are just a small part. An important part, but not all. Alex and I don't have the extra money now to take them lots of places. We can't afford much right now, but what we can give is love and support and time. and I guess in the end, those are the memories I hope they remember when the next part of their lives come ....
Saturday, August 2, 2014
The best one to come play/help
I posted about my dad before. It has been a week since I saw him and no plans to see him this weekend, which I am alone all weekend, but that's ok.
On Thurs, my cousin, Ally, who is Logan's godmother, and the same age as me, texted to ask about coming Friday. Perfect, I thought. I am alone and I would love some help. She is truly the best one with the kids. She brings no other kids, so 100% attention is with us. She always wants to help clean. She does dishes, she picks up, she helps me organize. She does it all and she is soooo good with the boys. Even Landon, who kind of got to know her last year when he was super attached to me, was playing with her, holding her hand, just happy. She stayed with us for four hours, dinner, bathtime, got to go to the park, which is so hard with both of them alone, impossible really. And the other side is Ally cannot get pregnant. She has been trying almost 3 years, just did another round of IVF, and she keeps saying all she wants is one kid. Just one. I looked at her yesterday and said I worry incessantly about my boys, I mean, it's constant, but I am so grateful to have them. so Incredibly grateful. Thank you God for my cousin, Ally, and for allowing me to be a mom.
On Thurs, my cousin, Ally, who is Logan's godmother, and the same age as me, texted to ask about coming Friday. Perfect, I thought. I am alone and I would love some help. She is truly the best one with the kids. She brings no other kids, so 100% attention is with us. She always wants to help clean. She does dishes, she picks up, she helps me organize. She does it all and she is soooo good with the boys. Even Landon, who kind of got to know her last year when he was super attached to me, was playing with her, holding her hand, just happy. She stayed with us for four hours, dinner, bathtime, got to go to the park, which is so hard with both of them alone, impossible really. And the other side is Ally cannot get pregnant. She has been trying almost 3 years, just did another round of IVF, and she keeps saying all she wants is one kid. Just one. I looked at her yesterday and said I worry incessantly about my boys, I mean, it's constant, but I am so grateful to have them. so Incredibly grateful. Thank you God for my cousin, Ally, and for allowing me to be a mom.
Monday, July 28, 2014
My biggest critic
is my dad.
I live 2 blocks from my dad. There are maybe 15 houses between us, and we live in the city, so not a lot of space here. I don't see him a lot. I see him every 3rd week probably, more if I walk up there. He stopped by yesterday morning. This is probably a sad post. Anyways, when he comes in, it's always just random. He stopped for maybe 10 minutes yesterday, probably 3-4 of it he was on his phone. He comes in, sits down, never down with the kids, and starts the questions. Is Landon talking yet? Is Logan walking? I just feel like everytime he comes I have to have something to show him that's good. So yesterday, I had Logan walk across the room. Landon did his fishing puzzle and the boys are always kissing on each other, so he saw that. Quick as he was there, he left, and he will be gone for a bit again. He just can't seem to relate much to my kids, or really want to get to know them. We definitely don't have that active grandparent role here, where those tight relationships are formed. Maybe when they are older, my dad will be better. Literally, Alex was upstairs in the bathroom, and when he came down, my dad was gone. poof. where's the progress... I am outta here.
My mom would have been much different to us.
I live 2 blocks from my dad. There are maybe 15 houses between us, and we live in the city, so not a lot of space here. I don't see him a lot. I see him every 3rd week probably, more if I walk up there. He stopped by yesterday morning. This is probably a sad post. Anyways, when he comes in, it's always just random. He stopped for maybe 10 minutes yesterday, probably 3-4 of it he was on his phone. He comes in, sits down, never down with the kids, and starts the questions. Is Landon talking yet? Is Logan walking? I just feel like everytime he comes I have to have something to show him that's good. So yesterday, I had Logan walk across the room. Landon did his fishing puzzle and the boys are always kissing on each other, so he saw that. Quick as he was there, he left, and he will be gone for a bit again. He just can't seem to relate much to my kids, or really want to get to know them. We definitely don't have that active grandparent role here, where those tight relationships are formed. Maybe when they are older, my dad will be better. Literally, Alex was upstairs in the bathroom, and when he came down, my dad was gone. poof. where's the progress... I am outta here.
My mom would have been much different to us.
Logan Gabriel- 15 months
Logan's development is similar to Landon's in some ways, and others, not so much. He does not give up as quickly, but now, neither does Landon.
My biggest worries are:
at 15 months, Logan has no words and he is not babbling. He is using some sounds, but not in reduplicated babbling, or anything. Sometimes he says /ma/ or /mama/, /na/, and /eh/. He also says /ah/. He was only cooing a month ago, so I guess this is some progress.
He will drink out of an open cup if I hold it for him.
He will take bites of food I hold- I worked on that with Landon till past 2, so I was happy he was able to do that.
He can drink from the honey bear straw cup with some assistance.
He will not self feed. He is doing better with Kix and I am focusing on just that food for now.
He does not mouth toys.
He is learning to walk, but lacks trunk/core support to go for too long, but that's ok. Crawling is good for the body.
He is clapping since 8 months. He can wave and he waves at people he sees.
He is beginning to whole hand point.
He has good joint attention and checks my reaction when playing all the time.
Gut feeling: apraxia
Other gut feeling: He will be ok.
My biggest worries are:
at 15 months, Logan has no words and he is not babbling. He is using some sounds, but not in reduplicated babbling, or anything. Sometimes he says /ma/ or /mama/, /na/, and /eh/. He also says /ah/. He was only cooing a month ago, so I guess this is some progress.
He will drink out of an open cup if I hold it for him.
He will take bites of food I hold- I worked on that with Landon till past 2, so I was happy he was able to do that.
He can drink from the honey bear straw cup with some assistance.
He will not self feed. He is doing better with Kix and I am focusing on just that food for now.
He does not mouth toys.
He is learning to walk, but lacks trunk/core support to go for too long, but that's ok. Crawling is good for the body.
He is clapping since 8 months. He can wave and he waves at people he sees.
He is beginning to whole hand point.
He has good joint attention and checks my reaction when playing all the time.
Gut feeling: apraxia
Other gut feeling: He will be ok.
Friday, July 25, 2014
Progress/double edged sword
I don't really like much to be around typical kids. Horrible I know. Only one I am around that I enjoy is Nicky, and he is definitely very typical. He is actually advanced in most areas, so I try to remember that when I see him do things! He is good to Landon. It's hard. When your child is struggling with something, you go to a place where you try to look for good all the time, for progress, for happy signs. I do remember in the beginning, the deficits were not so obvious. i could see them because I am in this field, but i was in such a happy place. Even as an SLP, I am not as aware of appropriate speech/language development, because I rarely see it. Most of the kids I work with are so far behind. Most of my kindergarten students are using maybe 3-4 word utterances. They didn't get as intensive or early of intervention for sure.
Anyways, we look for the positives and we don't compare to each other. I just go month to month.
Progress:
Landon is using two hands together now. He loves to do the puzzle with the fishing pole or magnets on the end and he is so good at concentrating. He doesn't get frustrated if he can't get to it first. That is huge progress, just steadying and using his hand, taking the other hand to get the piece off, and not getting mad. I remember when he was first evaluated, he threw everything if he could not do it the right way immediately. He was so frustrated with his motor planning.
Landon is using more signs. He can say more, all done, again, please, eat, open, and some others. He uses these sometimes in the wrong spot, like saying again when he means more, but the motor planning required to sign is hard and I am proud of him.
Landon is doing the stairs without the railing, if they are not too steep. He can jump very well now. He is working on jumping forward.
Landon is happier. He is much happier being home and being supported. He is showing more empathy. He is loving logan and kissing him all the time. He tries to invite him to play anyway that he knows how to. It is sweet.
Landon can almost take his shirt off. I have to help to start the process. He can get a coat/sweatshirt off, if I help with the zipper. He has no interest in getting his shoes off, and i need to work on that.
Repetitive behaviors have diminished to mostly visual processing. We started cod liver oil and maybe that is helping.
Speech: he has some more words and is trying hard. He has more sounds. The words I hear everyday are: yum, mama, more, yea, look. They are approximated often, but getting better. Not usually done on command, but will randomly run over to me saying mama. it is sweet. He is getting good at answering questions best he can. We are working on functions/descriptions of items. We play a lot of memory and I have him look for something we can eat, or an animal, or something cold.
Landon is working hard.
Next time I post, i will write about my Logi bear.
XO
Anyways, we look for the positives and we don't compare to each other. I just go month to month.
Progress:
Landon is using two hands together now. He loves to do the puzzle with the fishing pole or magnets on the end and he is so good at concentrating. He doesn't get frustrated if he can't get to it first. That is huge progress, just steadying and using his hand, taking the other hand to get the piece off, and not getting mad. I remember when he was first evaluated, he threw everything if he could not do it the right way immediately. He was so frustrated with his motor planning.
Landon is using more signs. He can say more, all done, again, please, eat, open, and some others. He uses these sometimes in the wrong spot, like saying again when he means more, but the motor planning required to sign is hard and I am proud of him.
Landon is doing the stairs without the railing, if they are not too steep. He can jump very well now. He is working on jumping forward.
Landon is happier. He is much happier being home and being supported. He is showing more empathy. He is loving logan and kissing him all the time. He tries to invite him to play anyway that he knows how to. It is sweet.
Landon can almost take his shirt off. I have to help to start the process. He can get a coat/sweatshirt off, if I help with the zipper. He has no interest in getting his shoes off, and i need to work on that.
Repetitive behaviors have diminished to mostly visual processing. We started cod liver oil and maybe that is helping.
Speech: he has some more words and is trying hard. He has more sounds. The words I hear everyday are: yum, mama, more, yea, look. They are approximated often, but getting better. Not usually done on command, but will randomly run over to me saying mama. it is sweet. He is getting good at answering questions best he can. We are working on functions/descriptions of items. We play a lot of memory and I have him look for something we can eat, or an animal, or something cold.
Landon is working hard.
Next time I post, i will write about my Logi bear.
XO
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Logan/Landon current scores
Here is where my boys are:
Scores do matter here.
Logan:
Cognitive: 75
Receptive Language: 85
Expressive language: <55
Total Language: 61
Adaptive: 86
Fine motor: 94
Gross motor: 84
Social Emotional: 85
Landon:
Cognitive: Overall 74
nonverbal: 94
Verbal: 57
Expressive language: 18 months
Receptive language: over 24 months- did not test, just went by observations
Fine motor: 76
Gross motor: Not sure yet
Adaptive: 88
Social Emotional: 84
Sensory: one definitie difference (visual), 3 probable differences...
Scores do matter here.
Logan:
Cognitive: 75
Receptive Language: 85
Expressive language: <55
Total Language: 61
Adaptive: 86
Fine motor: 94
Gross motor: 84
Social Emotional: 85
Landon:
Cognitive: Overall 74
nonverbal: 94
Verbal: 57
Expressive language: 18 months
Receptive language: over 24 months- did not test, just went by observations
Fine motor: 76
Gross motor: Not sure yet
Adaptive: 88
Social Emotional: 84
Sensory: one definitie difference (visual), 3 probable differences...
neurotypical kids
Whatever normal is what that term, NT kids, means. There is no normal, but society does think so and judges accordingly. i was judged last week, when I brought landon to the chiropractor with me and we ran into his old OT. She was asking how he was doing, and Landon was playing with a truck from my bag, and the OT later called me to say the doctor had been questioning her, wondering why he doesn't talk, is he on the spectrum, "what's wrong with him?" I was shocked, very hurt, and sad. Why can't we just not judge on the first thing we see? I had a talk with him on Monday when I went, and turns out, he had never heard of apraxia. So I did a little educating. I am sure Landon will continue to be judged, but i am hopeful, loved for who he is.
So, anways, my friend, Maureen, has a son with Autism. I had never met him until a few weeks ago. He is 5. I could tell he was ASD immediately, but i was so so so impressed. He was having functional communication/conversation with me, was following directions, eventually went swimming in our pool, etc. Maureen is an amazing mom and he has done so well. his voice seems more mature and he did use some echolalia, but he is headed to mainstream K with pull out support. I asked her about landon and she said she sees severe apraxia. Oh, my friend, Maureen is an amazing, I mean, AMAZING, slp. She said Gabriel did not point to anything until after 3. He could not do stairs holding the railing until then. He never showed them anything, etc, stuff landon did just after 12 months. She thinks he needs better SLPs, and I do agree in many ways, but she was so impressed with how hard he tries to speak and tries to communicate.
We discussed NT kids. Sorry for all you who read this who have them. I said I honestly picture a lot of those kids addicted to meth, or maybe they skip too many classes and don't get their diploma, or they get pregnant at 16, whatever. Their life won't go as planned either. We had a good laugh. A few summers ago I worked with a boy named Alex. he has ASD and he would tell you so. We are fb friends now. he is probably 24 now. he is finishing his doctorate. He is quirky and maybe doesn't have a ton of friends, but he is successfully and very smart. I read into a teacher friend the other day. her son is 22, doesn't even have his associates yet, back living at home, and we said, wow, alex is doing better professionally wise than her son, who had no difficulties. Interesting. There is no guarantee for anyone. You take what is handed and do the best you can.
So, anways, my friend, Maureen, has a son with Autism. I had never met him until a few weeks ago. He is 5. I could tell he was ASD immediately, but i was so so so impressed. He was having functional communication/conversation with me, was following directions, eventually went swimming in our pool, etc. Maureen is an amazing mom and he has done so well. his voice seems more mature and he did use some echolalia, but he is headed to mainstream K with pull out support. I asked her about landon and she said she sees severe apraxia. Oh, my friend, Maureen is an amazing, I mean, AMAZING, slp. She said Gabriel did not point to anything until after 3. He could not do stairs holding the railing until then. He never showed them anything, etc, stuff landon did just after 12 months. She thinks he needs better SLPs, and I do agree in many ways, but she was so impressed with how hard he tries to speak and tries to communicate.
We discussed NT kids. Sorry for all you who read this who have them. I said I honestly picture a lot of those kids addicted to meth, or maybe they skip too many classes and don't get their diploma, or they get pregnant at 16, whatever. Their life won't go as planned either. We had a good laugh. A few summers ago I worked with a boy named Alex. he has ASD and he would tell you so. We are fb friends now. he is probably 24 now. he is finishing his doctorate. He is quirky and maybe doesn't have a ton of friends, but he is successfully and very smart. I read into a teacher friend the other day. her son is 22, doesn't even have his associates yet, back living at home, and we said, wow, alex is doing better professionally wise than her son, who had no difficulties. Interesting. There is no guarantee for anyone. You take what is handed and do the best you can.
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