I dreamed a dream....

Today was the Open House for the local Catholic elementary school where I went from Prek-6th grade.  The principal who was my principal is still there and it is less than 2 blocks from my house.  I had signed Landon up in early September and told the Mrs. Polcaro that he was getting speech and OT, which was true at that time, actually hadn't started OT yet.  They have a 3 year olds room there with 14 kids and 2 teachers.

I did not sign up for the Open House today, since I don't think Landon is ready for a typical preschool... yet.  I hold onto the word yet, because in my prayers, I am hoping he can get there; he can be a part of that school and that dream I have for him.  It especially broke my heart because my good friend, the psychologist in my building, signed his son up, and went today.  He lives in a more affluent suburb at least 20 minutes from here and is sending his son there.  He is not religious and has no real ties to this place that means an awful lot to me.  I couldn't ask him about it today.  I just can't yet.  I am hoping for a SCIS for next year, then the year after, to go to a typical preschool.  I know God is on my side, but it's just hard to face.  Sometimes the battles God gives us seem unrealistic, but for some reason, he doesn't hesitate to throw some to me :(

Keep us in your prayers.

Family

Family try to understand, but most don't.  My mom passed away when I was 23, 7 years ago now, and I know she would get it.  i know she would be there researching with me, reading reports, meeting therapists, and helping me through it.  I know that.  I know that she would see all the good I see in my son, and wouldn't focus on how many words he says.   My dad doesn't really get it.  I think maybe he is concerned, but he doesn't understand.  he just asks is he talking? then wonders why logan isn't crawling.  I work with my kids more than anyone i know.  I don't expect Logan just to crawl and have been doing exercising and showing him how for months.  That's when I knew we needed PT, because he wasn't picking it up.  My kids don't believe in centers; they don't thrive there.  Logan probably lost some of his development being stuck there.  Now, he has the chance to catch up with gross motor.  Everyone is different, but I am obviously not ignoring my kids.  They don't pick things up on their own.  They need the extra support.  I am sick of the comments.  That's why I like to just stay home and play with my kids on my own.  No judgement at all.  I can do as I please.

In other news,  we had a great day playing and hanging out.  Logan went with Amber, the nanny, for a few hours, and we went to the diner with Landon for lunch.  Tomorrow Landon has swimming, so I will have some time with the Logs.  my boys are great kids.  I need to post on my other blog too.  Landon is busy giving me kisses constantly and Logan just puts his arms up to be picked up all the time.  Wish I could clone myself.  I am trying to play it fair, but it's so hard since landon has to be taken out of the room so I can play with Logan... Weekends are much easier to give Logs time!

XO

gut feeling

I think I ought to rename to this blog to cover both of my boys' journeys.  My sweet little Logi Bear qualified for PT yesterday, in a very different way than Landon did.  He has overall more strength and persistence, but less core strength than Landon had.  He could raise his arms up, but kind of tilts his body to do so.  His back is also all sore, like cracking and they did massage on him, and he does not have good posture, as he is trying very hard to hold his heavy body up and has low tone like Landon and like me.  I was thinking of adding speech, and he was close to needing OT, but they said once he can weight bear more on his hands and has more strength, the other pieces should pick up.  I will give it about 6 weeks on the self feeding and speech, then make a referral if needed.  Cognitively, he was advanced for the parts he could do.  He is like Landon, he turns pages to a book already at 9 months and attends to a whole story.  He looks back at me all the time when someone praises him to make sure I am watching. He gives great hugs and kisses and socially, he is just so engaging.  My gut says he has apraxia too.  I am not letting him out of services until he is where he is supposed to be.  I love them both.  Clearly this is genetics and I pray to God to take care of the rest.  I would not trade my kids for anything.

today sucks

My friend i met on my apraxia group, Laura, told me to blog the other day when Landon had a great day.  Glad I did because today sucked.  My school was crazy, kids were running the hall everywhere, my student teacher needed help with discipline,  I was exhausted, then rushed to a meeting about my Landon.  All his therapists were there.  I personally think he is sick of being inside and needs to get out to the park again and everything else.  Is this sensory? I don't know.  Kristen, the teacher, talked about his progress with imitating and kind of acting as a liaison with the teacher, Erin.  Juliet talked about his overall progress in play and attempting more sounds, etc.  He struggled last week.  Lori, the new SLP, is still getting to know him,but it sounds like he is doing well with her.  She uses PROMPT and is stricter.  I broke down reading the OT's note, but that's because I hate to see him cry.  Then we made goals.  Then Erin his teacher decides to talk and hands out a little sheet she typed up, full of negative shit about him.  He lets a star fall from the top shelf to the bottom, he spins, he walks away from peers in large groups, he plays too much peekaboo.  It really, really, really hurt and seemed pointless.  She was not asking for help or strategies, just went on about it.  What the hell... apraxia and SPD go hand in hand.  I can't wait till Landon can talk and say F*** YOU!!!! None of this is his fault at all!!! It's not his fault he got our genetics.  I would give him my voice if I could and I will not talk.  UGH.  Then he had his PT eval and qualified.  It's just another thing, but hope it helps.  My head is killing me now and I had no energy to play.  We did not get home till almost 5 and he was exhausted.  I let him watch tv.  Somedays I just don't have it in me.

Baby of mine,  You make me so proud.  You work so, so, so hard, and are so determined.  You are relentless.  Can't wait till you can say whatever you want, and we can go tell you know who that you are very smart and not going to be held back forever.  I know that about that.  I love in those green eyes and all I see is love.  I love you more than anything (you and Logan) and I feel so connected to you.  I know that is because we get each other.  You have healed me, and I am now trying to help you.  You are so precious; remember, God makes no mistakes, and you are who you are meant to be.  I love you so.  Yesterday was a great day for speech, and a day I need to remember.  you wanted the IPAD, and asked for it as clear as day, even with the diphthong and the /p/.  AHH- What hard work!! I know we may not hear it again for awhile, but I was so impressed with you.  then you said /daddy/ with the /ee/ at the end, another tough sound.  Wow!! Somedays you say a lot, and somedays you are very frustrated.  I know that goes with the territory.  When you are frustrated, I just wrap you up, hug you, and we sing our troubles away.  We will get there.  I am excited for the new school year for you, although then you will be 3 and even bigger.  That's my own conflict.  I want to enjoy you now.  You love to hug me, kiss me, be with me, and are so happy.  I don't want to let you go yet.  You said 11 words clearly yesterday, so I had to blog, and there it is.
You, my Landon, are my sunshine.

love, your proud mommy